new

lupine

 maybe i could birth a breath from inside you. maybe i could be the surrogate that once carried you, though you now carry yourself.

 and i had thoughts of lupine fields painting on a real life canvas’ in purple watercolor mixed by tiny brushes with your liquid and soft, deep muscle.

 i had thought of this lupine field with the sun in the east and saw you fall to your knees before me. i had thought of unearthing fistfuls of lupines just to tame you, but couldn’t bother removing the stain their wet petals would leave on the palm of my brain.

 now i’m just fixated on flowers and their soft association with watercolors and the way you would create the perfect consistency if you were a color palate.

 and i thought again about lupine fields, this time falling to my knees before you and i thought about pulling up handfuls of lupines to press onto the pit of your belly, smudge their violet color into the silk of your blouse as i knell before you.

 and i would think, in this thought, i would think, in this thought, i would think that the only thing between you and me would be your silk blouse and that handful of lupines.

 

told the story tonight, and i mean the story. at least the intro to the story. stoned as hell in the bathroom mirror. cool to see myself flow like that. i don't need acid or any drug to show me how i need to feel or how i should feel experienced. i understand what i need to understand. i've felt so many crazy emotions in the past few...months..days..hours. crazy. i don't know why and i wish i could understand. i wish you would help me understand but i don't even think you understand. i think this could be lie based and i wish more than anything that it's not. i want clarity and truth. truth. that's all, i want honesty and truth. please, it's not much to ask for, but it's admiral. and i think i deserve it, i know i deserve truth. and from truth springs beauty and kindness and safety and comfort and passion. truth, my friend, truth. 

bye bye imaturity, i don't need you anymore

the natural color of flowers is so incredible

maybe we'll both be queens, maybe we'll both be kings, but honestly we probably won't be anything

sometimes you do stupid things and then you learn from them, but nevertheless they are stupid

bullshit

noun: nonesense, lies, or exaggeration

verb: to lie or exaggerate to

ohhh double trouble

rose bush

dear comely metamorphosis,

 

at first, i stood back and regarded your deep wounds as something part of magic, like the night you cut up your hipbones in a furious fit, the night you targeted your right hipbone with a pink bic razor and then buckled over on the kitchen floor. remember when your mother watched you rock back and forth and said if the pain in your gut doesn’t subside you’d spend the night in the e.r.? remember when you watched the iv drip down, dripping into your own veins and you were finally relaxed? do remember the moment the e.r. technician told you to remove your hospital gown and lift your right arm so he could examine your stomach pains, remember when this exposed all your cuts of makeshift tragedy? do you remember how you told your mother that the cuts were from falling into a rose bush, that the thorns had cut you and it wasn’t a big deal. do you remember when the technician looked at you with eyes wide, mesmerized by your lie? because i do, i remember.

 

in the fetal position i spit out your surgery wounds, my teeth crowded with sutures meant to save you from back pains, from faulty gallbladder, from gallstones, from eating, meant to save you and let the light break through. i had meant to trim all rose bushes and exterminate all thorns. i had meant to save you, but i couldn’t lift a finger to change you.

 

thinking of you always.

 

sincerely,

high school 

just sayin'...i do love bright eyes

is it true what i heard about the son of god? did he come to save? did he come at all? and if i dried his feet, 

with my dirty hair, would he make me clean again? they say they don't know when but a day is gonna come, 
when there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun. it will just go black, it'll all go back, to the way it was before. 
i knew a lovely girl, with such pretty pride, and every man wanted her, yeah and so did i. so did i. But she up and died in a fit of vanity. now men with purple hearts, carry silver guns. and they will kill a man for what his father has done. but what my father did, you know it don't mean shit. i'm not him. so you think i need some discipline, well, i had my share. i have been sent to my room. i've been sat in a chair. and i held my tongue. i didn't plug my ears.
no, i got a good talking to. and now i don't know why, but i still try to smile when they talk at me like i'm just a child.
well, i'm not a child. no, i am much younger than that. and now i have read some books and have grown quite brave. if i could just speak up i think i would say that there is no truth. there is only you and what you make the truth. so i will just sing my song and i'll pass a hat. then i'll leave your town and never look back. no, i don't look back because the road is clear and laid out ahead of me. i'll get home and meet my friends at our favorite bar. 
we'll get some lighter heads for our heavy hearts. and we will share a drink. yeah we will share our fears and they will know how i love them. they will know how i love. they will know how i love them. i am nothing without their love. 
i don't know when but a day is gonna come when there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun. it will all go black. 
it will all go back to the way it is supposed to be. is it true what they say about the son of god? did he die for us? did he die at all? and if i sold my soul for a bag of gold, which one of us would be the foolish one? which one of us would be the fool? which one of us would be the foolish one? which one of us would be the fool? could you please start explaining? you know, i need some understanding. could you please start explaining? you know, i need some understanding. could you please start explaining? you know, i need some understanding. i could do good with some explaining. you know. i want to understand.

scenic world by beirut amongst other things

went to the lgbt center today...the bacon lettuce tomato and gay center, yadda...probably one of the coolest places i've ever been. it reminded me of europe. half the center is super modern because it was built in 2002 or 3 (i think) and there was a petition to keep the victorian building that was on the building site, so the center is half 2002/modern architecture mixed with this gorgeous victorian building. the buildings are connected by this big rubber piece (like that accordian thing the 38 and 71 got goin on to connect two buses). there's an awesome rooftop deck that looks over the eastern part of the city. 

laundry mat inspired a new poem, thankfully. 

wow, really morocco? so beautiful, i think vieve and i might go there in the spring to stay with her family friends. kewl, i can dig. 

reminds me of this loreena mckennit song that i really like

i can't resist....i love cats almost as much as i love blogging to myself

dream

soo harry potter and the chamber of secrets

yum yum 

this is the most beautiful picture i've ever seen. 

look at the mooon

all my little words by the magnetic fields

this one time in nazereth i made out with the devil's apprentice in a stable shack. 

i could listen to beirut and look at pictures of iceland all day

some things blowing my mind in the wind

palestine, rachel's tomb

kuwait...soo futuristic looking

west bank

lupine fields, iceland

iceland

pakistan

afghanistan

russia

dachau

blindsided

gypsy woman, you are webs of light between streaming fingertips, i'd take you in one mouthful.

mmmm the only constant is change, but what's changing?

oh wow