Sunday, February 21, 2010

GOOD DAY. GOOD REVELATIONS. STRONG STANDPOINTS. i am where i am and i feel it. good poets, good laughter, good conversation.........something is brewing!!! so excited to find out what it is

Thursday, February 18, 2010

i'm in love with gaga
today i will run for the first time in weeks. yeeeeeeee

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

wtf is this

holy crap, i forgot about saves the day

Monday, February 15, 2010

why?: an obsession

buena vista social club

rainbow warrior..for breakfast

323 number

food demons
holy wood
stoop poems
moving on
"rager 15th and shotwell"
who is this
the perfect apartment with lime green window panes and windows that let the light flood in and a couch with a quilt and a kitchen with pots and pans and the bread you will bake me and the flowers i will buy myself and the bed in the corner with tear stains from laughter and no need for body pillows and alice b. toklas who comes when you call for her and a yellow bathroom and a record player with no dust and a wall of books and a collection of shoes and a polaroid of us in bow ties laughing about the first time and i was 25 and you were a phone call questioning my name and remembering a request i had given you when i was 22 and had stood before you, say call me on your birthday, find me, whatever you have to do, just find me, and you said you'd have a year and i knew it'd only be a day and you'd have brown hair by then and you'd have traveled to south america by then and you'd have written some jokes by then and read the book about the seagulls by then and memorized my poems by then and quit smoking and then started again by then and thought about children and dreamt about me and drove a car up into the hills and stood in a crowd and didn't feel ashamed by then and be even more beautiful by then and you'd have decorated your room in photography of ancient cities by then and decided that washington is still the forest you'd like to die in with me and you'd have found the diary i once wrote in by then-in your kitchen, in a long sought after universe of pickled green beans and a glass of wine it said: welcome to the human race, you're a mess.
shirley temple
taking the sky and turning it into tights
i want colors
here's red
i'm sorry
trying not to be the asshole
seeing people on the street i could know
feeling bad
playing a part
feeling myself
happiness comes to those
crossing the street at dolores and 16th
my laundry will be done by tomorrow

Thursday, February 11, 2010

"...that male and female are not opposites, that masculinity and femininity do not spring automatically from biological sex, that neither biological sex nor gender determines the contours of sexual desire..."
-joanne meyerowitz

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

ramblin on

a lot to think about. i feel fluidity when it comes to gender, (generally) (outside of the queer world, i suppose) people find their genders of "male" or "female" to be relatively permanate, in the sense that they would never question which gender they feel connected with. in this moment my gender falls into "-less", can't say i really identify with either, more on the masculine side though. can't say i hate my boobs, but can't say i love them either. i don't have a boy body, but i feel more like a boy than a girl. i don't think i "truly" identify as a lesbian anymore either, isn't the definition of lesbian, woman attracted to another woman? but if i don't identify as a woman then i wouldn't fall under that catagory. so i'm queer. totally homo. i don't feel a connection with "ze" or "hir" in this moment i'll stay with feminine pronouns, but nothing else feminine attached. thinking about names and how i've never felt like "nicole", but i do like the name, i don't know, that's something to think about. while doing some research i remembered that feeling more masculine doesn't mean that you have to be a macho man, it's all about comfortablity. and i am comfortable to say that i am detached from the two "main" genders and if i was going to catagorize myself this would be it(in no particular order): third gender, andro, human, person, poet, breather, queer, homo, lover, offspring, sibling, friend, thinker, observer, speaker, listener, practicer, nic.

beautiful things
my gender identity is: human being.


massage therapy

i am different (now), in a different way

ze's manger was draped in red silk with a bowl of cloves burning on either side and when mary picked hir up for the first time she smiled at the contrast of old razor scar arms and her new baby boi

Thursday, February 4, 2010

soda pressing

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

i'm not mindfucking. i want to be honest. went about this in the most ridiculous way, but it happens and all you can do is move forward and hope that (her) feelings for (me) are strong enough to push past my own insecurities of not knowing anything at all about relationships or starting ones or what they're made up of and that the detatchment for the day tore at me and all i wanted to do was see her but all i wanted to do was give her space and have her know i want her, for her and that there are no expectations and that crushing her was so far from intended and i'm sorry and i want this and i want her and maybe it was bad timing but i don't want to associate the word "bad" with anything that has to do with her, so it's just timing, it was timing and time is moving but it feels like it has stood still with her. i don't want a label, i don't even care, i just want her hand in mine and her head on my chest. and all i can hope is that she'll call me tomorrow.